Have you realized that he’s been more distant these days? Here is exactly what to do when he pulls away and how to get him back.
What to do when he pulls away?
So what do you do when he pulls away out of nowhere? We’ve gathered responses from relationship experts to help answer this question:
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1. Have a sit-down conversation with him
KC Lee — life partner dating coach says:
If you’re in a committed relationship with this man then I’d recommend that you have a sit-down conversation with him and understand what is influencing him to pull away. Is it something that you did or is it a personal issue that he’s trying to deal with on his own? Once he understands your interpretation of the situation, if he didn’t mean to negatively impact the relationship then he will find a way to make you feel more included instead of isolated.
However, if you two are not in a committed relationship and he still makes no effort to make you feel more included and involved in his life even after you voice your concerns about him pulling away, then continue dating other men who are more interested in investing time and energy into you and making you feel wanted and desired.
2. Stand your ground
Gaby Balsells — couples therapist says:
When a guy you’re dating pulls away, you stand your ground. This means you don’t anxiously go chasing after him but you also don’t pull away too. You stay steady.
State how you feel with this formula: I feel X when you Y. Example- I felt nervous when you did not text me last weekend to meet up. And then ask: Is everything OK between us?
If the answer is not clear or he is unable to answer, that is on him. The point is to create safety for him to come closer but only if ready to share feelings and needs. If the man is unable to share, that’s a red flag and you should take that as a sign that things might be over.
3. Do absolutely NOTHING
Michelle Fuller — transformation coach says:
Do nothing. Say nothing. Don’t ask. Don’t seek answers. Embrace radio silence. Sit in the discomfort of not knowing. Get busy taking care of yourself. Put the focus back on you. Go for a walk, work out, and buy a new outfit. Go out on the town, go out on a date. If the man you are seeing is truly vested in you, he will reach out. You will have the opportunity to talk and he will be honest with you about his reasons.
If the man you are seeing is not interested, you will not hear from him again. A late-night text or call doesn’t count. The best thing you can do when a pulls away is give him the space he doesn’t have the confidence to ask for. The answer you want will be revealed in time.
4. Stop trying to control the situation
Laura Doyle — relationship coach says:
When you relinquish control of people you cannot control, you find more joy and grace both in yourself and the other individual. When you correct your partner, even for minor actions (such as needing more space), that builds up over time and starts to feel like an attack. Your communication unintentionally stimulates feelings of incompetence and immediately kills intimacy, no matter how well-meaning the comments were initially intended. At the end of the day, intimacy needs safety and encouragement.
5. Continue living your best life
Chris Pleines — dating expert says:
Only because you observe him changing doesn’t imply you should follow suit. That isn’t you at all. It is very crucial to remember that him acting in such a way is not a reflection of you. Never ever allow him to get to you no matter how bad you feel on the inside because becoming furious, aloof, or cold with him would only push him away rather than make him want to stay. So the best thing to do? Just continue being yourself—your amazing and beautiful self. At least, by doing so, you would not have any regrets if ever things won’t work out well between the two of you.
6. Send a thoughtful message
Ellen Tang — personal development coach says:
If you think he’s worth your effort, then you can draft up a thoughtful message letting him know that you are feeling distant from him, but you like him so if possible you’d really like to know from him whether everything is okay. You could also ask whether you did anything that pushed him away. The goal is to express your true feelings (e.g., writing this makes me feel vulnerable but…; or I’m feeling hurt that I haven’t heard from you…) whilst inviting him to express his. Worst case, if his true feeling is that he doesn’t want to continue dating you, wouldn’t it be better to know sooner rather than later?
Finally, you don’t necessarily have to send the message. But as you write it, pay close attention to how you are feeling inside. It is a good exercise to reveal how you really feel about him. Approaching someone who is pulling away can make you feel vulnerable. So be very gentle with yourself and don’t push too hard. You don’t have to do anything until you feel ready to.
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7. Have a discussion over the phone
Keeley — licensed therapist says:
Before calling him try to consider all the possible reasons that he could be pulling away or upset with you. It may be hard to consider that we may have hurt someone or made a mistake but you are human. Apologizing for a wrong and taking accountability is mature and sets a healthy foundation for a romantic relationship. While in conversation try to be patient as men are not socialized in the same way as women to express their feelings. Be direct and honest with him about how much communication and quality time means to you and how being “ghosted” or “breadcrumbed” makes you feel. This step is important before figuring out what is needed to move forward.
Signs he’s pulling away and might need space
You can typically notice in his attitude or his behavior that he’s pulling away, but sometimes it might not be obvious. So here are some signs that show he might just need a little bit of space and alone time:
- He’s not replying to your texts as fast as he used to
- He’s less responsive and enthusiastic when talking to you
- You notice that he’s becoming more argumentative and less patient
- He seems like a completely different person compared to when you first started dating him
- You feel like you just don’t get along as well
- He’s not as affectionate. For example, if his love language is touch but he rarely touches you now, then something might be up
- He’s super flakey and inconsistent – always canceling on plans.
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Why did he suddenly pull away?
There could be many reasons why he might be pulling away. And a lot of the time, it literally has nothing to do with you! (so don’t beat yourself up, please)
- He could be overwhelmed with life or going through a tough time (Ex: quarter-life crisis)
- He may have commitment issues and be confused about whether or not he wants to be in a steady relationship
- Things could be moving too fast and he’s uncomfortable with that
- He’s trying to not catch feelings and protect his heart
- Maybe someone else has come into his life and now he’s questioning the relationship with you (this has nothing to do with you. You’re still bomb, sis!)
- Orrrrr, you might just be coming on too strong and he’s low-key scared. Haha!
- He might just not see a future with you! And that’s ok! There’s plenty of fish in the sea.
Do guys come back after pulling away?
Maybe, or maybe not! There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. If a guy pulls away because he’s not ready for a monogamous and serious relationship, it’s probable that he might return after he’s done exploring and dating around! But, let’s say he pulled away because he just didn’t believe that you two would work out, then he might not ever come back.
Also, I just want all of you beautiful ladies to know this: IF A GUY DOESN’T WANT YOU, IT’S HIS LOSS! AND WHY WOULD YOU WANT A GUY THAT DOESN’T WANT YOU ANYWAY?
If he pulls away and never comes back, then move on, sis. The universe removes things from your life to allow space for better things you deserve to have. Remember this!
How to be high value when he pulls away
If he pulls away, it’s ok to be upset for a little bit. But don’t let yourself wallow in your sorrows for too long. Here are some tips to help you be high value even if he decides to leave.
1. Go on other dates
Girl, he’s not the only man in the world! Go on other dates and enjoy yourself. Who knows, maybe the universe made the previous guy pull away because it wanted you to create space for a new relationship in your life. The universe works in mysterious and wonderful ways.
2. Level up
It’s never a bad idea to level up and work on yourself. If he needs some time alone to reflect on the relationship, don’t stay home and cry all day about it. It’d only make you more depressed and more likely to do stupid things (For example: smashing his car, yelling his name outside his house at midnight, posting a bunch of cringy breakup quotes on Instagram, etc)
3. Don’t overthink and don’t demand closure
You don’t actually need closure! If he pulls away and never comes back, that’s the only closure you need. No need to overthink and stay up all night wondering what you did wrong. It’s pointless, and will only make you go crazy. Sometimes, it’s better to just accept the fact that a person would no longer be a part of your life, and be okay with that… even though it hurts like sh*t.
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When he pulls away do nothing?
Doing nothing when he pulls away is ironically one of the most powerful things you can do! This shows that you value yourself and won’t go crying and chasing after him. And if he truly wants to leave, then you let him go because you believe in your worth and you know that there is someone out there that genuinely loves you. And will treat you like the queen that you are.
Imagine, there are millions of attractive and high-value men out there! Why would you settle for someone who doesn’t value you anyway? Do nothing and let him go, sis!
How do you not freak out when he pulls away
If you love him and want things to work out with him, it’s natural to freak out a little bit (or a lot!) when he pulls away. However, please don’t go crazy and start blowing up his phone, interrogating him about why he’s acting differently. This would only push him further away and lose complete interest in you and never come back.
So, stay calm. Give him some space. And focus on YOU. I know this is extremely difficult to do, but trust me, it works. As he’s taking some time to figure out what he wants, you can also take this time to work on yourself and remind yourself of what you bring to the table. Go take the yoga class you’ve been wanting to take or go on a solo trip! Whatever it is that helps take your mind off of him, do it! (Don’t stay up all night partying though, hangovers are not fun)
Know your worth!
I truly hope this article was helpful to you, and remember, you are worthy just the way you are. If he pulls away because he’s not interested, so be it! There are millions of guys on planet earth that will literally fight to be with you. TRUST ME! And when you meet the right person for you, you’ll laugh about the time when you were crying about that guy who was too blind to see your worth.
And that’s on….